


silence

by SparkleMeow



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, i was sad so i wrote something sad, i'm projecting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 19:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13219635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkleMeow/pseuds/SparkleMeow
Summary: i'm sorry this fic sucks and so do i





	silence

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry this fic sucks and so do i

Viktor was away on a trip, and Yuuri woke up to an empty apartment once again. With every passing day, his worry increased. He was worried about Viktor's safety, yes, but there was more to it. He was afraid. Afraid that Viktor didn't want him anymore. Afraid that any day now, Viktor would decide he didn't love Yuuri and leave, or send Yuuri away to Japan. Viktor wasn't reaching out to Yuuri as much, and he was often too busy to properly talk to Yuuri, thus allowing these worries to set in and plague Yuuri's mind. And so, alone in Viktor's apartment, he sat there thinking for days on end about his own failures. 

The rational part of Yuuri's brain told him that Viktor had no reason to fall out of love with him. That their love was eternal, and Viktor would make good on his promise to take care of him forever. They were practically husbands already, despite the fact that the official wedding hadn't happened yet, so why would Viktor just stop loving him all of a sudden?

Yuuri tried his best, he really, really did, to listen to this. He tried hard to shut the dark thoughts out, but it was hard, when all they told him was _not enough. Too much. You're a burden. Undeserving. How could you ever think someone like him would love someone like you?_ Every little thing Viktor said or did would be immediately blown out of proportion by his messed-up mind. And Yuuri tried, he tried so hard not to listen. But it didn't work. All he could do was hope, and pray, that Viktor didn't lose interest. That he was still loved. But those voices, those rough whispers in the dead of night, inching closer and closer to him with every little sound, they wouldn't let him hope, dragging away everything he held onto into the depths of the darkness.

Yuuri sat in the dark, lost deep in his thoughts, when his phone lit up. Yuuri jumped at it. Viktor's name lit up on the screen, and Yuuri quickly picked it up. 

"Hello?" He mumbled. 

"Yuuri!" Viktor's voice sounded from the phone, "We haven't talked in days! How are you?" 

"I'm okay. I miss you," He almost whispered. 

"I miss you too, Yuuri," Viktor replied. Yuuri smiled a little, glad to see that Viktor returned his feelings. Some noise was heard on the other side of the call, and Viktor called out to someone in Russian.

"Yuuri, I have to go now, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later, okay? I love you," Viktor said, and Yuuri heard the click indicating that the call has ended. Yuuri sighed. It would be a while before he and Viktor would talk again. It made his heart heavy. 

\--

That night, Yuuri barely slept. His thoughts kept him awake most of the night, eating at his emotions. He sat, leaning back against the pillows, and glanced around, letting his gaze hover here and there. He just wanted Viktor here, he wanted to be held in his arms and he wanted to hear his voice. _You don't deserve him,_ that voice in his mind whispered again. And Yuuri agreed. He didn't deserve Viktor. He really didn't. He didn't realize he had started crying until he felt a tear slide down his face. He reached up, wiping at his eyes. _You're crying? Pathetic,_ the voice kept going, and Yuuri wanted it to stop, but deep down, he agreed with it fully. He grabbed one of the many pillows off the bed and clutched it to his chest. Having Viktor here would have been better, but the soft material did provide a small amount of comfort. That was how Yuuri eventually did fall asleep that night, tear tracks on his cheeks and sadness in his heart.

\--

With each day, he and Viktor spoke to each other less and less. Soon, their exchanges became limited to brief texts, mostly meaningless small talk. Viktor was far too busy for anything more. Yuuri understood that, but his understanding didn't mean he wasn't hurt. 

_You're so clingy. No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you anymore,_ the voice pressed on.

He remembered a different time, when they were both on the same level. He wanted Viktor as much as Viktor wanted him. Then, as time went on, it seemed that Viktor cared a little less and Yuuri could never get enough of the other's company. Every night, Yuuri sat in the stark silence of his and Viktor's dark and empty room, and scrolled through their endless chat history. He would sit for hours, reflecting on their past. Viktor used to be so _happy._ But it no longer seemed that he was.

\--

With Viktor so far away, Yuuri's days became lonely. He tried to fill the void with the company of various other people, but it wasn't the same. No one could quite fill the gap in his heart. Only Viktor had that power. He tried to remind himself that this was temporary, that Viktor would return home soon, but with each and every day, it sounded more and more like a lie. 

\--

Silence. For the second time, Yuuri had tried calling Viktor, but all he heard from the other side was silence. He hung up the phone, tossing it aside. Five minutes later, the screen lit up with a text.

 _"Sorry, I'm busy. We'll talk later, Yuuri,"_ the message read. That's how it always was. _Later_. _Not right now_. _Tomorrow_. _Another time_. It was never _now._ But just like always, Yuuri understood. Viktor was in no way obligated to talk to him, and Yuuri could accept it, despite the pain it would cause him.

\--

In their few short conversations, Yuuri felt like a stranger to Viktor. His face wouldn't light up with a smile when he saw Yuuri, like it once did, long ago. Viktor no longer seemed excited at the idea of talking to Yuuri, and Yuuri noticed it every single time. He didn't know what to do anymore.

 _Why are you so surprised? You should've seen it coming._ There it was again, that whisper deep within his mind. Why wouldn't it leave him be already.

Viktor had moved on, and Yuuri suddenly felt alone like never before.

\--

One night, Yuuri sat by the window, looking up at the sky. And oh, it was beautiful. The city lights along the horizon, and the slight twinkle of stars in the distance. The moon shone big and bright, lighting up the otherwise darkened apartment. All of a sudden, he was reminded of a conversation he and Viktor had a long time ago, when the two of them were separated for a competition. Yuuri had called Viktor late at night, and Viktor had picked up right away, ready to listen. Yuuri was anxious about the next day's competition, and he just wanted to fill the silence.

_"Yuuri, look at the sky!" Viktor told him. While confused by the strange request, Yuuri did as instructed._

_"I'm looking," he told Viktor. Viktor giggled on the other end of the line._

_"I'm looking too! Now, we're looking at the same sky!" Viktor responded excitedly. Yuuri smiled._

_"We are..." He mumbled, more to himself than to Viktor._

Those were the good times, when they were both happy and comfortable with each other. It was a time before Yuuri's doubts came back out to haunt him, a time of peace and joy. Yuuri would give anything to have that back, even if it was only for another day. 

_What makes you think you ever deserved it in the first place?_ The nagging voice in the back of his mind persisted.

Yuuri looked out into the distance for an answer. And once again, he was met with nothing but cold, heavy silence.


End file.
